Rated R

Most of the time my writing is persuasive, borderline argumentative, and horribly sarcastic.

Today will not be one of those times.

...well, there will probably be some sarcasm. Let's face it--sarcasm and I are like wine and cheese. You can have one without the other but if you expect to wine and dine at the Ritz with Cary Grant .. expect there to be cheese with your wine.

I'm here to tell you my opinion. I not here to challenge your opinion--mainly because part of my opinion is we should all be entitled to our own opinion. Today's post is Rated R...

... for religion.

Yes. I'm about to take on one of the most talked about subjects in America. Every problem we face seems to boil down to religion. We could sit here and talk over separation of church and state, religion in the workplace, drowning your fellow peers with your Bible bashing, etc, but I'm not about to do that. Granted, we could talk for hours and create some heated discussions but I'm not feeling that today.

"Are you there God? It's me, Shalese."

In case you didn't know, for those of you first timers here, I was raised as a member of the LDS church. I went to sunday school, to girls camp, to seminary, and so on. And I loved it.... usually. There were days I would walk out of seminary with a smile on my face and a glow in my heart. However, there were also some days I would walk out with tears on my face and a storm in my soul. There were so many things I didn't agree with. Often times, when a student or a teacher would say something I disagreed with I would brush it off. The religion is based upon the teachings and not the people.... right? Whenever there would be something I didn't understand I would assume it was because of my limited knowledge and it was God's will. For years I lived this way. I was upset all the time and yet I was upset for being upset. Why am I confused? I must be terrible. Why don't I understand? I must not be spiritual. I was in constant inner turmoil because I was not understanding and hating myself for not being able to understand.

Yeah.. a GREAT way to live. Constantly hating myself. Shalese, how could you ever leave such a lifestyle?? I was terribly unhappy. Sure, there were moments of happiness but there was a shadow always present in the corner of my happiness. For 19 years I lived this way. I went to college, I joined my singles ward, and I withstood the willy evils of a college campus. I did what I was suppose to. I had a great time. I was still so ill at ease with myself. I was constantly afraid of letting people in on the secret called my life--the fact that my family was not conventional, I did not agree with many things we were being taught, and I was so unhappy with myself. I felt like life in the single ward was a constant facade. No one struggled and we were all a happy spiritual bunch of pre-wed wannabes.

Or maybe it was just me. Maybe everyone was happy and I just didn't fit in. I did meet some great people and had some wonderful leaders but I was left feeling empty. It was like a constant roller coaster of happy and rock bottom. Summer came around after my first year of college and I decided to cast out my net. See what else was out there. I took the essentials I still believed in from being raised LDS and headed back to square one. I banished my inner demons and started anew.

Am I declaring the LDS religion to hold no truth? Quite the opposite. I have known some beautiful members of the LDS church who pulled me through some rough times. I'm certain their hearts are made of gold. For them the LDS faith is pure and true. It just isn't always for me. I think that religion speaks differently to each individual. What may be true for some people does not ring true to others and boils down to the goodness of your heart. I'm sure God would prefer a kind-hearted atheist over a hateful Christian. Because according to society such phrases should be considered oxymoron's. I'm sorry if you feel I'm pointing fingers because that's certainly not my intentions. No single religion stands guiltless. It happens all the time. Personally, I just feel like I would rather stand alone than group myself with a belief system I can't commit my whole heart towards.

So where do I stand now? I've talked and talked about what I don't believe in and have yet to mention what I do believe. I believe religion is a unique experience to each individual. God can take on many forms depending on the needs of whoever is looking for him. Do I believe in God? Christ? I believe life is too beautiful for it to simply be happenstance but as to who had a hand in making this crazy thing called life I remain open minded. She? He? Them? I've certainly had to seriously reflect on my beliefs while writing this but honestly I still remain uncertain. Whenever I pray, I pray to the LDS idea of a strong, all-knowing male figure. Whenever I meditate, I envision the enlightened Buddha who believes in dimensions of awareness and peace. Whenever I chant, I think of energetic children. Whenever I think of children, I depict a beautiful woman with withered hands and a giving heart.

To me, God is in everything and everywhere I go. Divinity is all around us here on Earth. I can feel it when I watch a play or read literature. I can see it in the eyes of a scientist when they explain their discoveries. I watch it grow with the new flowers of springtime. I can hear it in the cries of a newborn child and the soft comforting murmurs of their mother. It radiates from the body of a dancer as they express themselves with their movement. It's in the unity of human beings as they rally for the sake of the greater good. I picture it as a warm ripple of light that touches our hearts as it makes its way from person to person. It enlightens us, wakes us up, and brings us together. It is driven by love and motivated by passion.

I'm not so sure if I would call that God so much as spirit. I believe in the spirit of humanity. I believe in love. I believe in us. In me and in you. I may not be religious but I have enough spirituality to join in a community drum circle, meditate with a Buddhist monk, roll down the hill with a group of children, and plant flowers in my garden. Sincerity and kindness are my driving forces. Karma will always play a big part in who I am. Into life I will put my best and wait for it to come back around. I will discipline my mind, my body, and my spirit. I will remain enlightened and open-minded and take life as it comes while trying to be a better person.

I'm still growing. Life is still hard and I seem to learn by trial and error... but I'm learning. I don't feel limited. Maybe one day I will change. Maybe I won't. Right now I know that I'm happy and I feel more like myself than I ever have before. I have the ability to accept people with different views and opinions because I don't adhere to the belief that I am right and you are wrong. When entering a conversation about religion, or simply life in general, I enter with the mindset that I have the opportunity to learn something new.

Just as our appearances will vary, so will our beliefs. If we all looked the same it'd be boring. It goes the same for our beliefs. Just remember to be respectful of those around you. Life has so much to offer it'd be a shame to miss out because we were too busy limiting ourselves. We are all different and that's okay. Simple enough but sometimes we forget.

Stay beautiful kids.