10 Easy Ways for "Straightening" Out America

With Hurricane Sandy in our midst and December 21st looming in our future, it's important we address these issues and take precautions against further problems and natural disasters. For the sake of the children.

God is angry. The gays are loose. 

Yes, I'm talking about the direct correlation to the conditions of the weather and the promiscuity of the homosexuals. Every time the B-52's are played on the radio moisture begins to collect in the air and the cold fronts start to charge into the warm fronts. I have taken it upon myself, after several conversations with God, to address these issues. It is my social and civil duty to FIX THIS PROBLEM. So, in turn, I have mapped out 10 easy ways to "straightening" out America.

1. Anyone with the name of Gay, be it middle or first, must change their name. Options will include Jolly, Hetero, or Mitt. 

2. Any song, poem, or story that uses the word "gay" will be required to revert to a more politically correct version. 

"....A dabba doo time. We'll have a EXTREMELYHAPPYANDSTRICTLYMISSIONARY old time." (The questionable friendship of Fred and Barney notwithstanding)

3. Men who order a drink more girly than a rum and coke will be required to prove their heterosexuality by humming the theme song to Monday Night Football and explaining, in detail, their last encounter with a vagina. 

4. Men will not be allowed to wear scarves unless they can prove it is extremely cold. Exceptions will be made for those who are hipsters with the proper documentation and thick rimmed glasses. 

5. Broadway will be cancelled until further notice. Or until straight men learn how to sing and dance.

6.  Ballet will be converted to an all-women art form. Unless, of course, the women become too manly and start to get the wrong idea. Same goes for cheer leading.

7. Accomplishments in sports will be celebrated with thoughtfully written-out thank you notes and nose pokes. In all women and all male sports, sports spanks will no longer be allowed.

8. Gay people in the media will be stripped of their titles and only allowed the occasional appearance on that dirty liberal show, Sesame Street. 

     A. Ellen Degeneres will be reduced to the 6:00 AM morning show as the weather girl. Personality
         will not be tolerated. 

    B. Shows such as How I Met Your Mother, Tropic Thunder, The Silence of the Lambs, and

         Stargate will be banned. 

    C. Melissa Eldridge, Mika, Adam Lambert, Clay Aiken, Ricky Martin, and George Michael will

        only be allowed to sing gospel hymns until further notice. 

    D. The Lion King theme song, "Can You Feel the Love Tonight", will be changed from Elton John 

         to Justin Bieber. Old versions will be promptly destroyed.

9. San Francisco will be taken down. Obviously.

10. A 12-step recovery program, similar to AA, will be introduced for those dealing with homosexuality. Instead of sobriety chips, people will receive brightly colored condoms. 

Let us reach out to each other in preventing further natural disasters. We can never be too cautious with the end of the world looming in the near future. God has made it known he will manipulate the natural order of things in order to make his opinion clear. Join me in condemning everyone to the same boring missionary we must all endure... I mean enjoy. A straighter today will make for a brighter tomorrow. Say it with me loud and proud: TODAY THE GAY MUST GO AWAY.